vegan, it's not meh

Just so there are no mistakes regarding the title of this post. I'm a carnivore. I don't simply like meat - I love it. If there was a cow in here right now I'd bite a hunk out of it's ass and make a sandwich.

Ok, now that we got that straight.

Last week I was invited out to lunch with some coworkers, considering the day I was having some time away from the cubicle walls sounded like a good deal. This changed once I got in the car... turns out we were heading for the only vegan place within 30 miles. Actually, it may be further than 30 miles. I have no idea since I didn't even know this place existed.

Great, so now I'm thinking about all the shapes you can form soy into. I was imagining the menu would be:

1. Cold Soy topped with spinach and fig leaves
2. Warm Soy with bean curd dressing
3. Soy with lawn clippings

I'm all into trying something new, but honestly I was just hoping they had bread and maybe I could stop for a burger on the way back.

I have no idea where this preconception came from. I still don't even know what the word means and I have a feeling if I googled it I still wouldn't.

But you know what? It was actually pretty good. Turns out they had a great grilled tortilla wrap. They even had a barbecue sandwich (this one was a little confusing for me).

To my local steakhouse - don't worry, I'll be back to eat my weight in beef soon enough.

Maybe next time I'll try the soy. Ha, just kidding.

and the 7th edition winner is.....

Congratulations DMLD! Your cool award is below, feel free to add it to your mantle.

Man, I had to move the sign away from the haunted house and found a great little park near my house to place it. I swear I found ghost crap all over the sign from last week, I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Ya'll crack me up, I found myself laughing like an idiot reading those. Coming in second and third were Dad to Two & Diesel.

DMLD, sorry... I couldn't find you on Entrecard so I can't award you with the credits. If you do have one at some point let me know and I'd love to start you off with 500 credits.

DMLD's Caption:

"Hey honey, your girlfriend called . . . and by the way, I parked your car in the pool."

Your Award:

The ultra cool and Greenlands #1 most coveted award!

I realize this size might be a bit much, so I've included a couple of smaller versions:

150x178 version

108x121 version

Enjoy!

dude, caption this - 7th edition

Alright, time to rock with another caption contest. Leave your caption in the comments, judging to occur Friday night - winners get all kinds of cool stuff including 500 Entrecard credits, your name in lights and bragging rights!

~ your caption here ~

more stupid crap... dude

The other day I was tagged and revealed 7 things people might not know about me. I admit however that I only scraped the surface of my neurosis.

At the risk of uncomfortable silence and the "dude, your freaking nuts" look... by special request here is another glimpse.

1. I can't use the restroom until I lift the lid and check for spiders. When I was maybe 10 I overheard one of my mom's friends talk about getting bitten by a black widow spider while sitting on the john. That simple comment has tormented me for at least 30 years.

2. I can't drink a beer or drink without raising my glass to cheers someone first. If I'm alone I still have to raise my glass before I can take so much as a sip.

3. Since I was a kid I didn't think I would live to 40, so everyday now is a gimme. That feeling was so strong that for 2 years before I turned 40 I wondered everyday if it was that day.

4. For some reason, money in my pocket is easier to spend than money in my wallet. Speaking of money in my pocket... bills go in my left pocket, coins in the right. Never mixed. Ever. I also have to make sure the bills are facing the same way and from highest to lowest.

5. When I pass a cop, even if I'm not doing anything wrong, I pretend to yawn, scratch my head or mess with the radio so I look like their presence doesn't concern me. I have no idea why I do that.

6. If I'm eating alone in a restaurant I look around and check my watch like I'm waiting on someone, sometimes I even mutter to myself when I'm doing that. No clue why.

7. When my credit card is being authorized I curl my toes up and my teeth clinch thinking it might be denied.

8. I never use my real name if I have to give it when ordering food.

happy birthday devil dogs

The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!
Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady of the United States, 1945

Today I take a break from my normal posts to honor the few, the proud. To my brothers and sisters, past and present. Happy Birthday Marines!

233 years ago today on November 10, 1775, the Continental Congress passed a resolution stating that "two Battalions of Marines be raised". Since then Marines have participated in every major battle, in every clime and place with honor, courage and commitment.

To me this day, this birthday, holds more importance to me than my own. I don't say that with bravado or ego, I say it because I could never pay back what the Corps provided to me.

Each year I recall a day in mid July 1984. I had been in bootcamp for about a month by that point and still had 2 more to go before earning the Eagle, Globe and Anchor. I was standing alone outside the chow hall waiting for the rest of my platoon. I was nothing more than a sorry ass, beaten down lump of shit. It was by far my lowest point ever. I didn't trust that I knew my name, I didn't trust that I knew where I came from. I felt as though I had been ripped down to my core, I literally had nothing left.

Except for one thing. I wanted to be a Marine more than ever.

On that day, literally at that moment, I knew I had been broken. I realized from that point forward I would never be the same.

I know the Corps isn't for everyone and I know some fellow Marines may not have hit the depths I discovered that day, but for me it's what has helped define me as a person ever since. For that I will be forever in debt to my beloved Corps and fellow Marines.

Tonight I will find a bar, toast a few to my leatherneck brothers and sisters, think about that day and the sacrifices of the hero's who paid the highest price so we could live free.

I haven't missed a birthday toast in the past 24 years and I know I will continue till the day I wear my dress blues for the last time.... even if they do have to split it up the back to make it fit.

Semper Fi Marines, carry on!

Good night Chesty, wherever you are.

i've been tagged and stuffed

I'm a little remiss in my blogging duties. On October 20th I was tagged by the incomparable AngieSS over at CupofSnarky.com.

Just like when I was a kid and hid under the bed till I pissed my pants but I still ended up being it. This time it took me a couple of weeks to get out from under the bed since I had to wait for my pants to dry.

Ok, so here goes. I have to tell you seven things about myself that you don't already know and avoid federal prosecution in the process... and then I get to find seven others hiding behind trees and doors to tag their ass.

1. I was in Life magazine on my hands and knees in the mud and it wasn't in a bar with a stripper named Jasmine. Don't believe me? If you happen to have a September 1985 edition laying around... (don't we all?) check out page 25.

2. I'm a hypocrite when it comes to formal education and I pray my kids never find out. I sucked in school, I never took anything more than the fundamentals of math and almost didn't graduate high school. I never attended college other than a couple of years of night school art/design classes. My english teacher would have a stroke to learn I'm doing this blog, I have no memory whatsoever of doing homework and I've never seen the SAT. However, it's not something that has kept me down, I work in a profession filled with MBA's and I hate the question "What school did you go to?". Saying that most of what I've learned has come from the History Channel/Discovery/National Geographic/Science Channel isn't a joke.

3. I may have some degree of OCD. I eat sandwiches into perfect little squares and then fold them in half and repeat. I lock the doors of my house at least 3 times every night and then get out of bed to check them again. I won't eat food off anyone's plate for any reason. I eat the broken chips first and then each chip in sequence from smallest to largest or by color. I subconsciously sort things by size/color/shape.

4. I'm terrified of heights. Actually saying that isn't enough, I become incapacitated at any height over 10 feet or even the thought of it. I recently went out on the 7th floor balcony where I work and become so incapacitated I thought of calling someone inside the building to come get me back to the door.

5. I grew up with Owen and Luke Wilson. Back then they were just the kids a few doors down, little did I know... Hey Owen, give me a call bro (ha).

6. I sweat when I have to spend over $100 for any reason. I'm not a penny-pincher by any means, I just can't get spend that much without my heart rate increasing even if I have the money.

7. In the 5th grade I thought I was an eagle. I used to turn my head from side-to-side in quick bird-like fashion, stare for bit and then turn quickly to the other side. I thought it impressed my teachers but it may have been the subject of parent/teacher conferences without my knowledge.

Ok, so now the fun part. I get to pick some people who will be bitching my name in a few days.

I would really like to know 7 things from.....

1. Planckspost
2. DebbieDoesDrivel
3. ReformingGeek
4. DeadRooster
5. Road Atlas Shrugged
6. The Humor Smith Chronicle
7. PlainOleMike

tuesday rant - 9th edition

So, here we are again on a Tuesday night. For me it's a Tuesday following the big race weekend at Texas Motor Speedway - that's right, the bi-annual Redneck Mardi Gras I posted about last Friday.

Real quick on the "races", Crown Royal should be enjoyed in moderation and some people should keep their clothes on (you know who you are).

I know last Tuesday I was a calm Dad-theDude and asked, no begged for rant ideas. I want to thank the following people for those ideas:

PlancksPost - Heinous - ReformingGeek - deb - colleen - texas mama

I was all set to pick one and roll out the rant barrel for today.

Then last Friday happened.

I woke up Friday morning with the belief that at some point during the night I must have found a bucket of fire and stuck my foot into it and then hit it with a hammer. You know how light a 200 thread count sheet is? Well my friends that weight alone put me through the ceiling.

I dragged my sorry ass up to the quack-in-a-box where the doctors have name tags on that are written with a Sharpie and attached using a safety pin and guess what... I have gout.

Yea, that's right. I said gout. The same disease that until a few days ago I thought was limited only to people who drink Geritol and wear their pants up to their armpits. Apparently, I was wrong in that assumption.

This is where it really pisses me off. The conversation with the doctor goes like this:

Doc - do you eat protein?
Me - uh... yea. I actually eat huge amounts of protein. I'm into consuming meat, I'm a carnivore.
Doc - protein contains what your kidneys can't process and that can trigger gout.
Me - uh...
Doc - do you drink beer?
Me - .... can you repeat the question? Do I drink beer?
Doc - yes, do you drink?
Me - (apparently she doesn't know me) . Yes... some (come on, who ever told the doctor the truth with that question?)
Doc - yea, you will need to quit that as well. It can trigger gout.

uh - what?

Now this was Friday morning. Within 3 hours of this conversation I was due to arrive at perhaps the only place within 1,000 miles where the only purpose is:

1. Beer.
2. Protein.
3. Walking for miles to get more beer and protein.

I'll be damned if my toe blowing up is going to stop me from seeing drunk-ass rednecks and cars making left hand turns - so I asked for a pill. Besides, I already had an 18 pack on ice.

This is such bullshit. Who in the hell came up with something where meat, beer and just about everything else worth a crap can cause your joints to become nuclear fuel? Shit!