Tuesday, November 4, 2008

tuesday rant - 9th edition

So, here we are again on a Tuesday night. For me it's a Tuesday following the big race weekend at Texas Motor Speedway - that's right, the bi-annual Redneck Mardi Gras I posted about last Friday.

Real quick on the "races", Crown Royal should be enjoyed in moderation and some people should keep their clothes on (you know who you are).

I know last Tuesday I was a calm Dad-theDude and asked, no begged for rant ideas. I want to thank the following people for those ideas:

PlancksPost - Heinous - ReformingGeek - deb - colleen - texas mama

I was all set to pick one and roll out the rant barrel for today.

Then last Friday happened.

I woke up Friday morning with the belief that at some point during the night I must have found a bucket of fire and stuck my foot into it and then hit it with a hammer. You know how light a 200 thread count sheet is? Well my friends that weight alone put me through the ceiling.

I dragged my sorry ass up to the quack-in-a-box where the doctors have name tags on that are written with a Sharpie and attached using a safety pin and guess what... I have gout.

Yea, that's right. I said gout. The same disease that until a few days ago I thought was limited only to people who drink Geritol and wear their pants up to their armpits. Apparently, I was wrong in that assumption.

This is where it really pisses me off. The conversation with the doctor goes like this:

Doc - do you eat protein?
Me - uh... yea. I actually eat huge amounts of protein. I'm into consuming meat, I'm a carnivore.
Doc - protein contains what your kidneys can't process and that can trigger gout.
Me - uh...
Doc - do you drink beer?
Me - .... can you repeat the question? Do I drink beer?
Doc - yes, do you drink?
Me - (apparently she doesn't know me) . Yes... some (come on, who ever told the doctor the truth with that question?)
Doc - yea, you will need to quit that as well. It can trigger gout.

uh - what?

Now this was Friday morning. Within 3 hours of this conversation I was due to arrive at perhaps the only place within 1,000 miles where the only purpose is:

  1. Beer.
  2. Protein.
  3. Walking for miles to get more beer and protein.

I'll be damned if my toe blowing up is going to stop me from seeing drunk-ass rednecks and cars making left hand turns - so I asked for a pill. Besides, I already had an 18 pack on ice.

This is such bullshit. Who in the hell came up with something where meat, beer and just about everything else worth a crap can cause your joints to become nuclear fuel? Shit!


Colleen said...

Dude, that sucks! I hope for your alter redneck ego that the pill was fast acting. Can I assume that because the doc said no beer, the Crown Royal was yours? Crown Royal makes you a high-class redneck you know?

Deb said...

To quote Colleen above, 'Dude, that sucks!'

So sorry you have to do the Old Man Shuffle, but Tim Conway profited from it, so maybe you can too. The Terrorist had gout a few times which is surprising 'cause I thought he was too mean to ever get such a thing. A stint in Korea, a knee replacement, and a still-living mother-in-law from hell (who he says "Will die the day after I do") all did not outweigh his pain. A lot of dried cherries (reduces uric acid) helped his go away a bit faster.

Hope you feel better soon!

Bill said...

Welcome to the world of 'growing older'. Yes it sucks and gout ain't funny. Except the way you tell it! Cheer up Dad, it could be worse. And it will be so make the most of what you've got left that still works.

Hope I've cheered you up some. lol

ReformingGeek said...

What do doctors know anyway? ;-)

From what I've noticed (with no official studies to back it up) is that guys have more of a problem with gout than the ladies. Considering there's lots of crap we have to go thru "getting older", you (and my brother) can keep your gout!

Seriously, ouch! Sorry to hear.

AngieSS said...

Hahaha that sucks dude! But my hubs had gout when he was 24 so it definitely is not an old person ailment. You both are just real beer/meat connoisseurs! The best of the best. :)

Surely, you drank enough to quell the pain until you could get home to recover! I mean, that's just redneck code.

Heinous said...

Your hell had come early my friend. At least you survived it. You should head on out and get some of those way cool pants.

dadthedude said...

@ colleen - i made it to the races that day and stayed till sunday... but I was running a little slower than normal. I tried a little crown, I'm a high-tone redneck :)

@ bill - getting old sucks! Thanks for the encouraging words!

@ deb - thanks. That so cracked me up. I can remember that shuffle and did it a little when I read that. I heard of the cherries and I'm already a fan of cherries so that works!

@ reforming geek - you are correct. It's more common in guys. I wish it had ben turf toe like I first thought since that sounded more athletic. Thanks!

@ angiess - 24? Dude! I certainly squashed the pain with adequate amounts of liquid refreshments. Thanks!

@ heinous - ha. Dude, I need me some sweet-ass armpit pants!

ettarose said...

Dude, just don't buy polyester pants. You wouldn't want your "knuckles" to show!

Dan Brantley said...

Maybe you misheard the Doc, most of them in the clinics are not native English speakers. Maybe he was saying "get out!" kind of like "geh-out" or "g-out" I'll bet he could tell you were a troublemaker and just wanted to be rid of you.

PlancksPost said...

I know you dude...you're not some pussy that will start eating tofu and stop drinking beer!
You're the kind of guy that will switch to Tequila while eating a steak seasoned with a colchicine and probenecid.
Don't let it get you down...you're an American and American's never face the truth and always try to bend the world to our needs and desires!!! Cheers!

dadthedude said...

@ ettarose - hell, thats exactly what I look for in pants...

@dan - ha! Too funny, I kept wondering why he kept saying "endover".... I thought... end over what? The end is over? Now it all makes sense.

@ planckspost - thats why everyone needs friends like you. To tell them if they are being a pussy and to put things on their steak they can't spell. And yes, you are correct. I'll drink a beer and eat a steak on my deathbed and to hell with anyone who says different. Thanks bro.