ass logo placement

There are some things I never thought I'd do. Never thought I would SCUBA dive. Check, did that. Never thought I would allow someone within 2 feet of the jewels with a scalpel. Check, did that. Never thought I would start a blog. Check, did that. Never thought I would stop drinking beer... ha, yea right.

I now add to that list - I never thought I would try to find a picture of a football players ass and put words on it. Today is indeed a red letter day.

Saw this story today:

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Team dumps logo near buttocks after 70-0 loss

BOISE, Idaho - The Idaho Vandals football team is dumping the letter "I" from the buttocks region of players' new pants following a season-opening 70-0 loss to the Arizona Wildcats.

Rob Spears, the school's athletic director, says nobody realized just how the logo placed in the center of the players' behinds would look before they tried their pants on.
Spears told the Idaho Statesman the sewn-in University of Idaho logo has since been hastily removed by equipment managers after complaints

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I've posted before that I don't know much about football. This is painfully apparent now. Since when did football players start putting logo's on their ass? It's not even the logo of the other team (which I could understand), it's their OWN logo - on their ASS.

Seriously? Can you buy ass logo placement for the Super Bowl? If so, I'd love to see Hertz pitch for that deal.

Sunday 9/07/08:

By request I found an image of the actual ass logo. I submit it here and swear this is the last time I go on a hunt for images of football ass logos.

hang on a second, let me push this button

Apparently, physical assault is a crime.

Of course I can appreciate that, but I think there should be a loophole somewhere in there that allows you to knock the hell out of someone who is either:

1) Being stupid
2) Just being an ass
3) All of the above

In many cases I believe a good ass kicking could be considered community service. Of course there has to be restrictions around this such as:

1) At least 2 people have to agree the ass kicking should commence

2) Ample warning must be provided to the recipient of said ass kicking ("you're going to get your ass kicked" is sufficient here)

3) The length of time wherein the ass kicking takes place is restricted to 30 seconds

4) No more than 3 people can participate in the ass kicking at any point

5) At no point will alcohol be used by either party prior to the ass kicking commencement (because lets face it, if you had a few beers you don't need this loophole)

6) Only one ass kicking event is allowed by the party providing the ass kicking on a bi-annual basis

Now I know what you’re saying - "But dude, if we were allowed to do that the country would be in shambles. Everyone would be kicking everyone’s ass and nobody would ever get any work done". Back up the bus liberal boy (no idea where that came from I'm just typing) the initial ass kicking romp would only take about 3 hours nationwide. After that point nobody would dare be an ass or do something stupid for fear of the repercussions.

Examples:

I'm going to respond to this email and throw him under the bus, but instead of just sending it to him... I'll cc his boss and my boss and their boss’s boss. Nope, better not. I'll get my ass kicked.

When that guy holds the door open for me I'll just walk in like I own the place and not say thanks. Nope, I'll get my ass kicked.

I'll respond to this email where I'm asking for something requiring 300 hours of work in the span of a weekend and include "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help". No, I better hold off on that. I'll get my ass kicked.

I know this lane ends up ahead but I'll just pull in here and stop traffic. Hmmm, maybe not. I'll get my ass kicked.

I’m not crazy enough to think this will ever happen. But I’m not going to let that stop me. I propose we build a machine that stops time for 30 seconds. When someone does something stupid or is being an ass – boom, you push the button, stop time and kick them in the ass. Boom, push the button again and all is back to normal.

I gotta go, there’s a button I need to push.

evolution, get off your ass

Something has been on my mind and I think it’s time I share this.

We’ve all been focused on creating alternate energy sources, wind, water, cow flatulence, hydrogen, peat moss, fake fur. These are fine, go forth young energy scientist and develop a way for me to fill up my tank using my water hose and I’ll vote you into office (you have to be better than the two jokers we have to choose from this year). Hell, I’ll put your name on the moon in purple-ass neon and open a tab at your local bar just for you and your geek friends if you solve that.

This is an important issue. However, there is something that on a day-to-day basis troubles me more. Nose hair. That’s right; I said it and I mean it.

Millions of years of evolution and over a hundred years of mechanical and technical development and we still haven’t come close to overcoming this issue without my eyes watering and a look of impending dread crossing my face.

Dear evolution, I do not require nose hair as thick as pencil lead to sit in an office and occasionally eat out at a Mexican food restaurant. Get off your ass, you were doing great with the whole removal of the tail and making us walk upright deal – but then you got cocky after the opposable thumb thing and started slipping. I’m sitting here with nose hair which apparently is attached to my ass because every time I pull it my ass puckers up and I lift myself off my chair. While you are at it, fix this metabolism crap as well. I’m not starving myself, there isn’t a famine, the mastodon didn’t move onto greener pastures – I’m eating less to lose weight! Stop packing on fat cells every time I do this like I’m trying to survive the next ice age. I’m done playing games with you.

Dear mechanical engineer, we put people on the moon and developed the damn cotton-gin. We can build skyscrapers made of recycled cardboard and water bottles. Why the hell is it that all you can produce for this issue is basically a cross between a circular saw and a weed eater? Let’s put our heads together, dust off the drawing board and get to work. One word – lasers.

wipe my bobo, wipe it

Like anyone else who needs an occasional change of scenery, we enjoy taking the kids out to dinner from time-to-time.

'Enjoy' may be a strong word. Let's just say we have to take them with us because we have sharp objects and permanent pens at home.

We usually patron a chicken wing place near our home, mainly because they have the 4 requirements needed for any successful family outing:

1) Mac & Cheese
2) Games for the kids to drop quarters into
3) Large assortment of TV screens with a wide variety of sports
4) Trivia games and adult refreshments

The kids feel quite comfortable there, to the point where I believe they think they own the place. Our son even bussed his own plate one day all the way to the kitchen. The waitress was quite impressed.

But, I’m not sure they were impressed with what happened next.

MomtheGirl and I were in the middle of our normal trivia battle (she is WAY to good at it. I have to cheat to win). Our youngest son, Shoelessboy, in a mad dash from where the games are, runs past our table and we catch “…Potty...” as he runs by. Normal stuff, his body language indicates this mad dash is indeed required (since he’s holding himself and sorta bouncing while he’s running).

No problem. We are right across the little room divider from the restrooms and the place isn’t packed.

Nobody walks into the bathroom, but a few minutes later I notice two older guys standing near the bathroom door looking down, then looking at each other, then looking down again. Hmmm... odd.

As I look up over the divider to see what they are doing, I see our son. He’s completely naked, bent over and holding a piece of toilet paper.

Crap!

As I run towards them I hear our son saying “wipe my bobo, wipe it!”.

We left a larger than normal tip.

and they call it butt paste

For those of us familiar with the medical miracles related to the prevention and treatment of diaper rash – you will recognize the name “Boudreaux's Butt Paste”. According to Wikipedia this treatment for irritated hind-ends was developed in the 1970’s by “Pappy” Talbot (yes, I actually researched this….). As a side note, “Pappy” sold his pharmacy and traveled to trade shows in an RV he dubbed the “Butt Mobile”. I have a friend who had a van he dubbed the butt mobile – but that’s another story.

I can’t make this crap up. Ok, I made up the friend part… It was actually a green 1978 Thunderbird that smelled like Polo. He thought the chicks dug it when he pulled up next to them with that 8ft long hood with plush velvety seats and those little rear windows. If it was his desire to embarrass the shit out of me... it worked.

Ok, back to the subject at hand. I provide this historical reference to say this – I’m sure at no time in its development did “Pappy” Talbot consider the application of the product in other areas… let’s say… oh, I don’t know… the head.

This was until shoelessboy discovered that in the early morning hours a tub of butt paste can be liberally applied to the head until the ENTIRE tub has been emptied. This can be hours of fun and if you happen to have diaper rash on your head…

Yep. 7am on a Saturday morning all we see over the foot of our bed is a glowing white head walking through the door towards us and the overwhelming smell of butt paste.

Turns out, one of the great benefits of butt paste is it’s ability to shed water – wonderful water-proofing capabilities. Stick him in the shower… nada. Pour dish soap on this head… nada.

Apparently, the only way to remove it is to put the poor kid in a headlock and rub his head raw with a towel. I’m sure he will be discussing this in therapy at some point.