redneck mardi gras

If "Mardi gras" is french for "Fat Tuesday", then "Redneck Mardi Gras" is southern for "Drunk-Ass Redneck at NASCAR".

There are two times a year when I pull down the collar and let my redneck show, both happen to coincide with NASCAR coming to Texas Motor Speedway. Odd how that is...

Every April and November Texas Motor Speedway is visited by some 250,000 people, that means a combined total of 1,500,000 teeth and 1,025,000 cases of beer. I can make fun of that since that's exactly where my happy ass will be... I average on the higher side for total number of teeth in case your wondering.

However, this doesn't mean I actually know anything about NASCAR. I don't have "my driver", I don't know the tire pressure, the temperature of the track, how important adjustments to the sway bar is or why they only make left hand turns.

What I do know is that it's a great 3 days spent with the guys where extremely loud cars go really fast, the beer flows freely and you know all 250,000 people.

At the time this posts, I'm in the process of pouring ice into a cooler and pretending I know where everyone stands in the race for the cup. For the next 3 days I'll be living in a camper with 16 other guys placing bets on the first car to pit, the first to wreck, the first to make a right hand turn and generally trying to find the bottom of my cooler.

I can't wait!

If you happen to be out at Texas Motor Speedway this weekend, drop by. I'll share a beer with you. I'll be the guy wearing a black hat around the area below or the one pulling a cooler in the infield at night - I'm sure you can find me without any problem ;)

If not, then leave me a comment. I'll get it on my redneck blackberry.

Step 1, teach them to drive

I saw this today. This is why I live in Texas.

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LONGVIEW, Texas - A 35-year-old Texas woman has been jailed after police say she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar.

Police in Longview say they watched a minivan turn into a driveway without signaling on Wednesday and bump into a home at a low speed. They say the car was driven by Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg's daughter.

Police say the girl told an officer she had just dropped her mother off at a bar. They say they found Rosenburg at the bar and that she admitted having her daughter drive her there.
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People, you can't be cutting corners here. You have to teach your 12 year old how to drive BEFORE you have them drop you off at the bar. That's step 1. Step 2 is teaching them to signal and not hit the house when a cop is following them. I had to learn this when I was 12, it's just good parenting.

I find myself asking this question way too many times, but here it goes again. What the hell is wrong with these people?

My 15 year old has his learning permit now... hmmm. I'd have him drive me to the bar but then I would have to listen to him preaching to me about how beer is bad for you because he learned it in health class. I can't have that conversation again. I need him around to water the pot plants in the basement.

stick your arm in this hole

I don't make it habit of making too much fun of rednecks for the following reasons:

1) They usually own guns. ( Correction - make that "always" )
2) It hits a little too close to home.
3) See number 1.

Yea, that's right. I'm just a couple of generations from a horse plow in south central Oklahoma. I'm proud to say that the area where my family came from is now the noodling capital of the world and therefore the redneck capital of the world by-proxy.

In Oklahoma, they would say it this way "yup, we be da noodlin' cap-i-tal of da wurld an uh rednek cap-i-tal ta boot 'causing it says so on the interweb".

Right now I guarantee there are people in south Oklahoma reading this at the community center and saying "now dat der be da buggest bullshit it ever told, we dont be a talking like dat an a he is certainly dead - d. e. d. - dead. Is'n that boy who done wroten that interweb one of da boy from who family around dat der Paoli, Oklahoma. Im a gunna shoot his ass next time he done come around, bet yur ass. Get in da truck, bitch".

In case you are unfamiliar with the "sport" of Noodling (aka: hand fishing), allow me to explain. Catfish breed in holes and are highly protective; they bite at anything invading their love nest. Apparently, when you look prehistoric and finally find a little nookie, it pisses you off when someone tries to horn in on your action. (Ain't that right Jason P - love ya man)

Here is how you can enjoy this highly interactive "sport":

1) Drink a 6 pack of beer (Original Coors - 'banquet beer' works good here)
2) Take a huge dip of copenhagen
3) Get in some water where you can't see anything
4) Feel around on the bank for a hole underwater, shove your arm into the hole
5) If a catfish is in the hole, shove your arm into its mouth and allow it to bite into your arm
6) Pull the thing out and hand it to your friends (safety tip: don't drown in the process)
7) Drink some more beer
8) Dry off your mullet. Nobody likes a dripping wet mullet. Keep a mullet towel in your truck for this step.

Thanks, but I'd rather just order it off a menu with some lemon and fried okra.

In case you are interested in noodling, you should know that its illegal in all states except Oklahoma and step 1 is required by law. While not required, but strongly suggested, you should walk with a limp from a fight you had with your brother-in-law last Thanksgiving (that son-of-a-bitch had it coming) and your kids should all have buzzcuts.

I think there's a little redneck in all of us, for some it just comes a little more natural than we care to admit. I'll tell you this much however, nobody will ever invade the lower 48 states. If you want a fight on your hands come on down and start pushing these folks around at the local Wal-Mart. Insurgency my ass.

Wait, I think that's the plot from Red Dawn. Damn that Patrick Swayze and his Wolverines.


This isn't me (or Patrick Swayze).
$10 says I'm related in some way to this guy and $20 to keep that on the down-low.


Update:
I expect a call from my mom at any moment warning me to take down this post. "Sweetie, we shouldn't be messin' with 'dose folks. They is just country and don't know no better. They might get in their truck and come down I-35 to find you. Whew, scares the bigibees outta me".

Don't worry ma. They won't make it past the triple X place on the border - "oh looky, boobies. I like me sum boobies".