Jim Beam and I used to be bro's. We used to hang out together and see how far we could push each other. He usually won, but after a couple of weeks I'd forgive and forget (mainly forget) and invite him back over for another round.That is until the day he cut off my arms.
Like how most "I cut off my arms" stories begin, it happened when I went to a bachelor party.
By all accounts this was a very tame bachelor’s party at the house of a friend near Lubbock, Texas, as I recall there were no strippers, donkeys, cheerleaders or blow-up dolls. There may have been all of the above, but that would have been after Jimmy and I left (aka: passed out).
We were drinking Jim Beam mixed with coke, until we realized that was slowing us down so we started drinking it straight, over ice. After a bit we realized pouring it into a glass was stupid because we could just drink it right from the bottle and have an extra hand free to give everyone high fives and put in the best damn drinking music available, that being David Allen Coe; you don't have to call me darlin'... darlin'. This is after all the national anthem of almost any party in Texas.
As the night progressed I slowly started to realize that the guy sitting in front of me had grown a twin who was now sitting right beside him wearing the same clothes. Whenever these guys (or guy) talked I had trouble trying to figure out which one to look at. I noticed by closing one eye, the twin would disappear and if I held my head to the side it was much better. I was certain nobody noticed the head tilt or drool.
Apparently, I may have exceeded the known limits of consumption because that is the last fuzzy memory I have of that night.
I woke up in a fog the next morning on a couch and start looking around the room when I realized I didn't have any arms. Let me repeat that, MY DAMN ARMS WERE GONE! SOMEONE HAD CUT OFF MY SON-OF-A-BITCH-N ARMS! I couldn't feel them. I couldn't move them. I couldn't see them. Crap! I laid there for a bit trying to recall the previous night and at what point my arms got cut off. Maybe one of the twins would know.
Now as anyone who wakes up on a couch with no arms knows, the logical thing is to attempt a full gainer off the couch onto the floor - tada. After I did a face plant on the floor I found my lifeless, completely useless and numb appendages hanging there where they were supposed to be all along. I had passed out with my arms up over and behind my head.
Jimmy Bean, you sir are the devils water.
I'm sticking with Tequila from now on. I'd like to introduce you to my new friend Jose. Jose, say a few words to the kind readers. "Helo, my name iz Jose. I hear to maka 'da dad-da-dude thinks he maybe ok when in truth he will be dancing nakid on 'da tables and how you say... 'dinking he superman. ok. I go now".
Next round on me.
