hmmm... a truck

So, have you ever been driving and find yourself in the next lane passing a huge truck and the only thing is.... you don't remember pulling into that lane or that a truck was in front of you to begin with?

Odd, huh?

You know you're awake, because after this experience you 'test' yourself for the next 5 miles to ensure you're not in a time warp or something. These tests can vary depending on: (a) is anyone else in the car with you? and (b) if the first answer is yes, are they awake and looking at you kinda odd?

If so, preform the following steps:

1) Turn up the radio and bob your head to the beat (song selection is not critical for this step, anything will do).

2) Adjust your grip on the steering wheel. Maybe switch hands.

3) Look in each mirror in order - left, rearview, right then repeat. Stare intently in the mirrors at the truck you just passed. This will help solidify in your mind that it really exists while appearing as if you are being overly safe.

4) Say something to your passengers. Something like "this is a narrow road, huh" works pretty well for this purpose.

There you go, upon completion of the 4 steps you have successfully erased the fact that you didn't recall a 40 ton, 110 ft long 18-wheeled vehicle being in your general vicinity.

If you are alone in the car, this is a much simpler task. Simply look at the truck next to you and say "shit, where the hell did you come from?".

I liken this to the same phenomenon that occurs when you forget if you locked your car. Like when you finally find a suitable seat in the movie theater and it hits you "did I hear it beep? did I...... crap.....". I admit that I must drive my neighbors nuts by checking for the "beep" every few minutes after I go to bed.

If you happen to be reading this and were just in a vehicle with me for 18 hours, I was just being overly safe by staring at those trucks in the mirror.

Narrow road, huh?

i need a genie

On our way back from our cross-country trip, only 450 more miles for me to get that cruise control down to a fine art. We have one of those steering wheels with volume control and today I found myself turning the radio up and down thinking I was using the cruise control... oopps.

I happen to know it's 450 more miles because:

a) Thats what both of the GPS units in the car says it is and they both can't be wrong. Our's is one of those units that you can talk to - love to have the 5 year old (shoelessboy) in the backseat yelling "agellan" trying to get it to talk back. Cute.

b) because I counted down every mile starting at around 758 miles left.

c) the boys have filled up a total of 3 cups due to the "I gotta go RIGHT NOW" syndrome and we have a standing 4 cup rule, so we gotta be close.

How the hell did some of these little towns get their name (passed through Hicks Station, Arkansas - can't make that stuff up if I wanted to). Each time I pass one of those I hear "Hee Haw salutes my hometown, Cooter, Missouri....".

If you happen to know the crop duster in the yellow bi-plane that was dusting a field near Cottonwood Corner, Arkansas along I-55 - tell him I have his landing gear on top of the minivan if he wants it back. Those guys are seriously nuts!

By the way, whoever built I-55 didn't know how to make a curve.

Gotta say, by about mile 1,400 of this trip I started wishing I had genie in the car to snap her head and put my happy ass in the driveway!

and the wheels go round and round

We just completed an unplanned cross-country road trip (it is still cross-country if you went diagonal instead of across?). I travel a fair amount, but it’s usually at 32K feet and I only get to see airport – hotel - conference room – hotel - airport.

Top 10 observations:

1) This is an incredibly beautiful country once you escape the suburbs, fast-food joints and strip malls. It’s easy to get locked into the day-to-day grind and forget just how pretty and varied this country really is. At points I found myself driving through virtual postcards, if you could Photoshop out the 4 lane highway. Seriously – we live in a beautiful country.

2) Gas prices haven’t cut back on the number of vehicles on the road all that much. Simply based on the number of people at the rest stops (the statistical epicenter of all travelers) I would say it’s down maybe 5-7%.

Related: Stumbled into gas somewhere in Arkansas for $3.84 and realized it was pathetic that I thought it was such a great deal. A year ago I would have pushed the minivan to another station. We need to invade a country with a bunch of oil….. damnit.

3) The average speed on any major freeway is no less than 80mph. Go less than that and be prepared to be a speed bump.

Related: Seemed to be many who’s gas saving strategy has been borrowed from NASCAR – drafting 3ft off your bumper, it’s not just for the 1.3 mile track anymore.

4) Whoever is maintaining the freeways in Tennessee gets a gold star. I think it’s because they still have prison chain gangs guarded by guys on horses with shotguns on their hips and a toothpick. If that’s the case, keep doing that.

5) Travel isn’t what it used to be. We had several people in the minivan – no less than 14 electronic devices including 2 GPS units, satellite radio, laptops, blackberry’s, cell phones, portable game systems, iPods, DVD player and a game boy hooked up to a AC/DC converter. Good thing both legs of the trip were during the day or the van would have glowed like a public bus in Chernobyl.

6) The environmental top-of-mind movement over the past couple of years is having some effect. Virtually no trash along any road (notable exceptions were the carcasses of truck tires every few miles, part of a couch; followed by the rest of the couch .5 miles after that and a bag of onions that appeared to have made a high speed landing).

7) Never considered the career choice of being an oversized load pilot (those cars and trucks ahead of and behind oversized loads with the flashing lights). Three questions there – 1) is there a course I have to take for that? 2) If you are the lead car and you have to pull over to pee does the whole caravan follow you? 3) I noticed one caravan (unsure of the ‘official’ term) with 2 pilot cars following it. Was that part of the training program? “You just follow us for 600 miles and do what we do… “

8) Kentucky has an above average number of military convoys on its freeways. Something new here were the American flags flying on the lead vehicle which I appreciated and thought was a nice touch. God bless and thank you all! Women - If you are hot and you happen to pass these convoys please consider it a patriotic duty to flash them as you go by. I for one would have appreciated that when I was in.

9) Why do all the ‘odd’ people stay in roadside hotels? You know the type… I’m sure there’s a story behind each one that would blow your mind.

10) Traveling across the country is good for the soul. There are no red/blue states; regardless of where we live we are basically cut from the same cloth. When you are on a road trip there are no political battle lines, no racism, no bigotry, no Al-Qaeda, no gang violence or idiot bosses. It’s just miles and miles to remind you how lucky you are to be living in the greatest country on earth.