and the 2nd edition winner is.....

Congratulations Angie! Your cool award is below, feel free to add it to your mantle.

I spent all night painting that sign on the beach again. I think the authorities are starting to get wise to me, they kept driving around in their yellow beach trucks. I had to distract them by saying I saw a Sports Illustrated photo shoot going on down at the end of the beach.

Angie's caption:

Billy Joe escaped from his stroller at the Redneck carnival yesterday. He mistakenly thought he found his mommy. The similiarities are striking.

Your Award:

The ultra cool - Cool Blog Award!

I realize this size, while perfect for framing, it may be too large for those with size challenges, so I included some wallet-sized versions below.

Enjoy!

missed it again - guest post

While I'm out on a much needed vacation to St. Thomas, I've asked my most talented sister to guest post for me. I'll be thinking of ya'll as I'm sitting naked on the beach with my feet in the sand and a beer in my hand.

Ya'll treat her right or when I get back we will need to have a talk ;)

Here's Tootsie:

Missed It Again

I’ll be the first to admit that I am truly demented.

When I see a border-line category 3 hurricane two-thirds the size of the Gulf of Mexico making a bee line for the Texas coast, just like everyone else, I react in utter horror thinking of the potential loss in life and property. . . .sigh. . . Did I say I’m a liar, too? (Standing up) My name is Tootsie, and I’m a natural disaster junkie.

When my family and I moved to Houston from Austin in 2005, I was ecstatic. 95% of my joy was from getting away from Austin traffic and environmental elitists, and the rest of my twisted self just wanted to be in a hurricane. FINALLY my chance had come! My husband moved before the rest of us did, right before Rita—the category-3 Katrina wanna-be. Guess what I made him do? I’m ashamed. (Standing up) My name is Tootsie, and I made my husband take a 21-hour trek from Houston to Austin to miss the event of his life . . . which ended up not hitting Houston anyway.

He hasn’t let me forget it.

Two years went by in Houston, and we finally got lucky. I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. I was working at an elementary school, and an announcement came over the intercom. The principal told everyone that we were getting out early due to the hurricane that was expected to hit later that evening. What?! WHAT???!!!

Hurricane Humberto had developed off the coast of Texas over the course of just a few hours and was headed straight for Houston. YES!!!! Just a cat 1. But hey, I’m easy to please. Bring it on!!!

I run home, turn on the TV, and wait. And wait. And wait. Nothing. Humberto turned just slightly right and GRAZED Houston. GRAZED us. Not even a drop of water. Not even a leaf blew across my doorstep. I moped for a week.

About two months ago we moved to San Antonio. Mother Nature made real sure we were good and gone before she brought on Ike. Missed it again.

I was on the phone with my best friend, who lives in Houston, for a good part of the night while Ike tore through the city. As the winds started to pick up pretty heavy, I asked her if she was freaking out yet. She replied, “Are you kidding? I’ve been waiting all day for this!” Me too—she and I are two of a kind. I lived vicariously through her on the phone all night. Sadly, that’s probably as close as I’ll ever get to a hurricane.

For the record, as disappointed as I am that Ike turned out to be so boring (i.e. that Galveston is not the new Atlantis), I am glad that those 2000+ idiots who stayed on the island facing “imminent death” are still alive to talk about it. Although, if Ike had fulfilled its potential, the gene pool would have about 2000 fewer idiots in its mix, media included. Did anyone see Geraldo reporting that night? Gracious, that idiot would have been the first to go.

But honestly, if I were a reporter for the Weather Channel, I probably would have been right there front and center. “Back to you, Jim Cantori.”

dude, caption this

I've been wanting to do this for some time now. I checked my magic 8-ball today and it said now was the time. Actually it said "concentrate and try again" but that damn thing has been saying that to every question I ask it, so screw it.

Want to win a cool award ~and~ have your name posted in lights? Then I have the deal for you!

I'm looking for the best caption to the image below. Leave your caption in the comments and Thursday night I'll choose the winner and post that on Friday (along with the award).

Make it good, I'll be using my magic 8-ball to help me decide ;)

Good luck!

tuesday rant - 4th edition

Ok, I've sat for the last 10 minutes in a dark room doing deep breathing exercises.

Evacuate now or risk certain death.

What part of that sounds like maybe you should leave if you get time? Perhaps if you weren't doing anything special you could maybe join us as we drive north.

No, they said if you stay be sure to write your social security on your body with a Sharpie so identifying the body will be easier. Any questions?

Don't have the money to leave? They took care of that. Don't think the storm will hit you? Walk the hell outside, see the beach? It'll hit you. I realize many of you haven't been to Galveston Island. Picture a big sand bar that maybe rises 15 feet above the water - that's it.

It's not the staying that gets me. It's the staying and then asking people to risk their life to rescue your ass. I can actually understand how someone would want to stay. To me the thought of leaving my home and not knowing what was going to be there when I got back is almost as bad as the storm itself. However, I would be taking that risk upon myself. I would hold one person accountable - me.

It's estimated that some 40 percent of Galveston’s 58,000 residents chose to ride out the storm. Guess what most did Friday before the storm even hit? Yep, they desperately called 911 trying to get rescued. The response was what they said it would be; how long can you tread water?

I read this today:
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Five-year-old Jack King escaped serious injury when storm surge sent a rush of water that washed out the first floor of his family's Galveston home just two blocks from the bay. As rescuers arrived, Jack gazed at a TV aglow with "The Simpsons." The only evidence of his fall was a Band-Aid plastered to his closely-cropped hair, covering a gash.

"We just didn't think it was going to come up like this," said the boy's father, Lee King. "I'm from New Orleans, I know better. I just didn't think it was going to happen."
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Didn't think it was going to happen? Here's a thought, turn off the son-of-a-bitch'n Simpsons and tune into the news, asshole.

1) They should be evacuated
2) Mr. King should be arrested for child endangerment and being an idiot.

Turns out the generator he was using was provided to him by FEMA in the last hurricane. This makes him a professional idiot.

Ok, feeling a little better now.

If I start hearing someone complaining and blaming the government for not sending out a BlackHawk to pick up their ass for 3 days I'm going to make a trip south.

To the residents of South Texas (and I know several of you- damn good people), my thoughts are with you.

Next week I'm out on vacation but I've asked my little sis, Tootsie, to fill in for me on a post. I hear tell she has a unique perspective to this she would like to share. Catch her this Saturday.

awards day here at dad-thedude headquarters

Time for a little housekeeping, with Ike knocking on our door, needing to get a haircut and take out the trash I've slipped in my duties the past couple of days.

I would like to thank the Academy and to all those who didn't believe in me... well, you were in good company.

To my high school english teacher who considered it sport to flunk me over and over again, I say - thank god for spell-check, huh?

To my typing teacher who never figured out why every typewriter I sat at suddenly didn't work, I say - check the springs on the keyboard next time. Thanks for having me just read the typing book, that helped...

Everyone grab a glass of champagne. I would like to the toast the following:

Lisa's Twisted Blog

Lisa is apparently more twisted than anyone actually knew, because in her twistedness she presented me with the Arte y pico. I've never won an award before, but now I've not only won one I've won an international one with a cool name. Thanks Lisa!

This award recognizes a blog's creativity & overall contribution to the blogger community.
The original Arte y pico site is here (my spanish sucks btw).

Here are the rules once you receive this award:

1.) Choose 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material & overall contribution to the blogger community.

2.) Post the name of the author & a link to his or her blog so everyone can view it.

3.) Each award winner has to show the award & put the name & link to the blog that has given him or her the award

4.) The award winner & presenter should post the link of the "Arte y pico" blog so everyone will know the origin of the award.

5.) Post these rules

I hereby nominate the following sites in return:

The Soccer Mom Files - one of the first blogs I started reading when this whole thing started.

It's a Funny Thing - Don cracks me up when I need it most and he just posted a cover of Playboy which is sure to get me to return to his blog often.

A Guys Guide to Oprah - yea, you read that right. Oprah reviewed the way it should be.

The Humor Smith Chronicle - I steal this guys ideas all the time.

Beyond Left Field - smart people shouldn't blog unless they link to me.

Speaking of Beyond Left Field...

He screwed up and nominated me for the Brillante Weblog - Premio-2009

1) The award may be displayed on a winners' blog.
2) Add a link to the person who you received the award from.
3) Nominate up to 7 other blogs.
4) Add their links to your blog.
5) Send a message to each of those you nominated notifying them of the award.

I hereby present this award to the following well deserving bloggers:

Debbie Does Drivel

Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder

Wits Bitch

Magick Sandwich

WannaSmile

Ryan Garns.com

The Lost News

Angie over at Keep Believing is drunk posting.

Only reason I can think of that she would nominate me for the Sunny, Happy, Funny award. For the record I'm one out of the three. Thanks Angie!

Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars

Has presented me with the coveted Zucchini Award.

Thanks dude!