everyone knows that

I love me some Olympics. I don't really care what the event is; swimming, pole vault, badminton, trampoline, squirrel chase. Whatever, let’s roll with it. By the way, why did they take out the tug-of-war?

You see, I’m an expert in each event.

An expert you ask? Yes, it’s true. I’m an expert; they should have me on a con call at each event to obtain my opinion. I should be there in person but the Olympic Committee won’t allow it after the 1984 fiasco where my presence was seen as an unfair advantage in the eyes of the Russian judges (they made sure I was in boot camp when those were going on).

If you really knew me this is the part where the word “…bullshit” would start to enter your mind. You see, I don’t watch sports. I don’t keep up with sports. I don’t know the ESPN channel number by heart. I’m usually clueless as to what season it actually is. I’ve never actually seen a basketball game in person and never on TV unless I can’t avoid it and that goes for most other professional sports.

Odd you say?

I guess so. It’s not that I don’t try, I do. I’m a guy living in America after all; to not know ~anything~ about sports is to suggest I might play for the other team. Don’t make that mistake. I’m quite secure in my manhood thank you very much. It’s just that I have no real interest in most of what sports have to offer.

I do have respect for anyone who puts their heart into anything and plays at 110% regardless of the situation. To me these are the true athletes. They don’t get $40 million a year and then act like jackass rock stars; they don’t even have to be good. Put your heart into it each and every time and I’ll be on the sidelines rooting my ass off for you.

I think this is why the Olympics capture my attention and make me into a blithering idiot.

Here I am yelling at the TV, “come on… stick the landing... ah, he took a step, his weight was too far forward. It looked to me like he rotated just a bit too much on the dismount. Everyone knows the setup for the dismount is the most critical portion of the exercise”.

Yea, everyone knows that. Get me a drink while you’re up.

By the way, am I the only one judging all the other countries by whether they had hot girls on their team and if their uniforms didn’t look totally jacked up?

GO USA!