Wednesday, August 13, 2008

hang on a second, let me push this button

Apparently, physical assault is a crime.

Of course I can appreciate that, but I think there should be a loophole somewhere in there that allows you to knock the hell out of someone who is either:

1) Being stupid
2) Just being an ass
3) All of the above

In many cases I believe a good ass kicking could be considered community service. Of course there has to be restrictions around this such as:

1) At least 2 people have to agree the ass kicking should commence

2) Ample warning must be provided to the recipient of said ass kicking ("you're going to get your ass kicked" is sufficient here)

3) The length of time wherein the ass kicking takes place is restricted to 30 seconds

4) No more than 3 people can participate in the ass kicking at any point

5) At no point will alcohol be used by either party prior to the ass kicking commencement (because lets face it, if you had a few beers you don't need this loophole)

6) Only one ass kicking event is allowed by the party providing the ass kicking on a bi-annual basis

Now I know what you’re saying - "But dude, if we were allowed to do that the country would be in shambles. Everyone would be kicking everyone’s ass and nobody would ever get any work done". Back up the bus liberal boy (no idea where that came from I'm just typing) the initial ass kicking romp would only take about 3 hours nationwide. After that point nobody would dare be an ass or do something stupid for fear of the repercussions.


I'm going to respond to this email and throw him under the bus, but instead of just sending it to him... I'll cc his boss and my boss and their boss’s boss. Nope, better not. I'll get my ass kicked.

When that guy holds the door open for me I'll just walk in like I own the place and not say thanks. Nope, I'll get my ass kicked.

I'll respond to this email where I'm asking for something requiring 300 hours of work in the span of a weekend and include "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help". No, I better hold off on that. I'll get my ass kicked.

I know this lane ends up ahead but I'll just pull in here and stop traffic. Hmmm, maybe not. I'll get my ass kicked.

I’m not crazy enough to think this will ever happen. But I’m not going to let that stop me. I propose we build a machine that stops time for 30 seconds. When someone does something stupid or is being an ass – boom, you push the button, stop time and kick them in the ass. Boom, push the button again and all is back to normal.

I gotta go, there’s a button I need to push.


Texan Mama@WhoPutMeInCharge said...

What if someone posts a snarky comment? Can you kick ass via the internet? If so, tell me how cuz I've got a list going...

dadthedude said...

I should add that to the examples.Any snarky comment makers should be prepared for the full getting your ass kicked experience.

I think if you are using Outlook 9 you can attach an ass kicking to an email.

Send them my way!

Anonymous said...

I'm comfortable with the ass kicking model you've laid out here, but uncomfortable that it might be applied to something like being snarky.

I don't even think that you could get 6 people to agree on a definition of 'snark'.

Next step: Anarchy.

dadthedude said...

Going to the all-knowing Wiki:

snarky (comparative snarkier, superlative snarkiest)

(informal) sarcastic and irreverent, usually out of irritation.

-- I honestly didn't think I would find anything for it there....

damon said...

Why has no one ever thought of this before? I could see this changing the face of humanity. Until Royce Gracie or Evander Holyfield decides to be an ass.
We're definitely gonna need that button.
I'm gonna vote now before I get my ... yeah, yeah, too easy.

dadthedude said...

hmmm. I didn't think of the Evander Holyfield twist.

Apparently there needs to be a few exceptions before I roll this thing up the capital steps and kick every senator in the ass on the way in.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Yes, there are a few details to work out in this plan, but it has potential.