Friday, August 1, 2008

stick your arm in this hole

I don't make it habit of making too much fun of rednecks for the following reasons:

1) They usually own guns. ( Correction - make that "always" )
2) It hits a little too close to home.
3) See number 1.

Yea, that's right. I'm just a couple of generations from a horse plow in south central Oklahoma. I'm proud to say that the area where my family came from is now the noodling capital of the world and therefore the redneck capital of the world by-proxy.

In Oklahoma, they would say it this way "yup, we be da noodlin' cap-i-tal of da wurld an uh rednek cap-i-tal ta boot 'causing it says so on the interweb".

Right now I guarantee there are people in south Oklahoma reading this at the community center and saying "now dat der be da buggest bullshit it ever told, we dont be a talking like dat an a he is certainly dead - d. e. d. - dead. Is'n that boy who done wroten that interweb one of da boy from who family around dat der Paoli, Oklahoma. Im a gunna shoot his ass next time he done come around, bet yur ass. Get in da truck, bitch".

In case you are unfamiliar with the "sport" of Noodling (aka: hand fishing), allow me to explain. Catfish breed in holes and are highly protective; they bite at anything invading their love nest. Apparently, when you look prehistoric and finally find a little nookie, it pisses you off when someone tries to horn in on your action. (Ain't that right Jason P - love ya man)

Here is how you can enjoy this highly interactive "sport":

1) Drink a 6 pack of beer (Original Coors - 'banquet beer' works good here)
2) Take a huge dip of copenhagen
3) Get in some water where you can't see anything
4) Feel around on the bank for a hole underwater, shove your arm into the hole
5) If a catfish is in the hole, shove your arm into its mouth and allow it to bite into your arm
6) Pull the thing out and hand it to your friends (safety tip: don't drown in the process)
7) Drink some more beer
8) Dry off your mullet. Nobody likes a dripping wet mullet. Keep a mullet towel in your truck for this step.

Thanks, but I'd rather just order it off a menu with some lemon and fried okra.

In case you are interested in noodling, you should know that its illegal in all states except Oklahoma and step 1 is required by law. While not required, but strongly suggested, you should walk with a limp from a fight you had with your brother-in-law last Thanksgiving (that son-of-a-bitch had it coming) and your kids should all have buzzcuts.

I think there's a little redneck in all of us, for some it just comes a little more natural than we care to admit. I'll tell you this much however, nobody will ever invade the lower 48 states. If you want a fight on your hands come on down and start pushing these folks around at the local Wal-Mart. Insurgency my ass.

Wait, I think that's the plot from Red Dawn. Damn that Patrick Swayze and his Wolverines.

This isn't me (or Patrick Swayze).
$10 says I'm related in some way to this guy and $20 to keep that on the down-low.

I expect a call from my mom at any moment warning me to take down this post. "Sweetie, we shouldn't be messin' with 'dose folks. They is just country and don't know no better. They might get in their truck and come down I-35 to find you. Whew, scares the bigibees outta me".

Don't worry ma. They won't make it past the triple X place on the border - "oh looky, boobies. I like me sum boobies".


Dans said...

That triple XXX place is right next to the casino? Right? I've been on that stretch of 35 many times going to Stillwater. Having been to OK many times, I found your post quite humorous. Did I also mention I spent a lot of time in Texarkana? I think you can replace OK with Texarkana and it would be THE EXACT SAME THING! Oh, and will Miller High Life do instead of Coors - I mean in a pinch? It is the Champagne of Beers, ya know! Thanks for the laugh!

dadthedude said...

Thanks for the comment dans.

I'm not saying I know EXACTLY where the xxx place is... but as you are driving south on 35 out of OK right after you cross the red river into TX and the road banks to the left - just to the right is a huge XXX sign. That place used to be a catfish restraurant oddly enough.

I think I just said exactly where it is...

You ~could~ replace Coors with MHL, that would be acceptable. Another would be Busch. Of course you will need double what you normally would require since OK is 3.2 beer.

I'm not sure what my intake requirement is for me to stick my arm in a muddy hole along a river bank... lets just say it's too much.

Texan Mama@WhoPutMeInCharge said...

Holy crap I have never laughed so hard. I am assuming you also saw the show called Okie Noodling - I think it was on Discovery channel or PBS or something. My favorite part of the story was about the guy who noodles, but his regular day job is as a plumber and he goes on to tell about how he offered his son $10 (i think) to stick his hand down a big drain pipe that was overflowing with crap. To unclog the pipe of all the crap. The kid said no. Umm, is is possible for an 8-year-old kid to have a higher IQ than his dad? That guy was not the best spokesperson for Noodling. Does noodling have a spokesperson??

dadthedude said...

thanks for visitin' texas mama. I have seen the movie. Here is a true story:

I have the propensity to bullshit, it comes natural. I come from a long line of professional bullshiters.

One day a couple of years ago I was telling my mother-in-law about noodling. She of course took this to be grade-A-bullshit and googled it. The look on her face was great when it turned out to actually exist (like I could make that up...).

2 years ago, guess what I get for christmas. Yup, the noodling DVD. We plugged it in for a good laugh... until they showed WHERE they were. Oh shit! I kept silent till my wife outted me by saying.. "hey, isn't that the same area...". Damn. Thanksgiving aint gunna be the same anymore.

I'm not sure they have a spokesperson or not. But I think it would be easy to find one. Just wait for a tornado to roll through and hire the guy they interview afterwards on CNN. They always pick such winners.. "I wuz just a sittin' in ma chair cause I just had hemoroid operations come this time last week an I hurd this here train coming in ma winda. I said well damn, that train done come offda train road. Den ma roof just flew upinta the air. Gunna be hell to get ma truck outta that tree yonder. I gotta cousin down in Atlanta, ya'lls CNN channel get that far?".

Thanks again Texas mama, ya'll come back and stay a spell.

Mike said...

Way too funny! Being from So Cal I had no idea.

The worst we worry about is "catching the narly wave, dude"

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

For reals. My parents have a lake in Southeast Missouri. They retired "back home" to them. My nephew and his buddies (age 19) from KY spent the week there this past summer and my nephew's buddy did this at my mom and dad's lake. The catfish were spawning in the holes and he stuck his arm in and pulled out a giant 7 lb catfish. WHAT THE???? I will say, even us meserian's didn't know bout dat.


dadthedude said...

ha. That reminded me of "gunni-gu-gu" in Eddie Murphy's Delirious. "... they stuck their head in the water, pulled out 3 fish and said gunni-gu-gu".

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