evolution, get off your ass

Something has been on my mind and I think it’s time I share this.

We’ve all been focused on creating alternate energy sources, wind, water, cow flatulence, hydrogen, peat moss, fake fur. These are fine, go forth young energy scientist and develop a way for me to fill up my tank using my water hose and I’ll vote you into office (you have to be better than the two jokers we have to choose from this year). Hell, I’ll put your name on the moon in purple-ass neon and open a tab at your local bar just for you and your geek friends if you solve that.

This is an important issue. However, there is something that on a day-to-day basis troubles me more. Nose hair. That’s right; I said it and I mean it.

Millions of years of evolution and over a hundred years of mechanical and technical development and we still haven’t come close to overcoming this issue without my eyes watering and a look of impending dread crossing my face.

Dear evolution, I do not require nose hair as thick as pencil lead to sit in an office and occasionally eat out at a Mexican food restaurant. Get off your ass, you were doing great with the whole removal of the tail and making us walk upright deal – but then you got cocky after the opposable thumb thing and started slipping. I’m sitting here with nose hair which apparently is attached to my ass because every time I pull it my ass puckers up and I lift myself off my chair. While you are at it, fix this metabolism crap as well. I’m not starving myself, there isn’t a famine, the mastodon didn’t move onto greener pastures – I’m eating less to lose weight! Stop packing on fat cells every time I do this like I’m trying to survive the next ice age. I’m done playing games with you.

Dear mechanical engineer, we put people on the moon and developed the damn cotton-gin. We can build skyscrapers made of recycled cardboard and water bottles. Why the hell is it that all you can produce for this issue is basically a cross between a circular saw and a weed eater? Let’s put our heads together, dust off the drawing board and get to work. One word – lasers.