Tuesday, September 9, 2008

tuesday rant - 3rd edition

Pretentious people.

Want to see me come unglued and start having uncontrollable eye twitches? Make me spend ANY amount of time with someone who either thinks or acts like they are better than anyone else because they went to a better school (or any school) or have a bigger house or a better job or they got to see Journey on tour and sat in the front row.

I don't believe I would ever get to the point of physical assault. I may consider it; there have been times in the past when I thought how nice it would be to feel their bones crush. But no, for me I've found the best way to deal with these people is to ensure their complete undoing.

How you ask? Simple. These people have one chink in their crappy armor. Themselves.

Instead of ignoring them or popping them in the temple like I want to, I pull them closer. Keep them talking. For these people every word out of their mouth is yet another dent in the hard exterior shell that covers their soft yellow underbelly. I've been known to keep doing this for months on end until I find a weak spot. Once this is located, I exploit the crap out of it to my complete and utter enjoyment.

Case in point:

Recently, I traveled on business where I was required to attend a dinner meeting with a guy who is ranked on page one of my pretentious log. Being from the south and specifically from Texas I was apparently well below his status level and he made no attempt to mask it. For me this caused a large set of crosshairs to appear on his forehead.

There were maybe 200 restaurants within a 10 mile radius of where we were located. Now, where would you take a backwoods guy from Texas if you really wanted to show him how big you were... hmmm... Sushi! Take him to eat Sushi and talk about how you just love to eat with chopsticks. That would be GREAT!

Wrong asshole. What this pretentious prick didn't realize is that I spent close to 3 years living in Japan. I've been there. I speak-a-da language.

I said nothing, even when he made the comment that he hoped I would enjoy it and not think it was bait. "I'll try anything" I said with a smile, thinking of how much fun this was going to be.

I sat in the restaurant listening to this prick talk endlessly about how much he enjoyed this particular place (a stereotypically bad example of a Japanese-like upscale restaurant). I fumbled with my chopsticks and stared at the menu like I was going to need a burger later.

Finally when the waiter appeared and this prick sat up to order... I asked in Japanese if the waiter spoke Japanese (he did- at least as well as I did) and I proceeded to order. I even ordered a drink for the idiot next to me (still in Japanese) which the waiter considered quite funny.

I occasionally think of the look on his pretentious little face at that moment. Hey, what’s that... looks like you have a chink in your armor right there...


Deb said...

Ah, don't ya just love it when that happens - knocking someone clear off their own pedestal! If only you could have gotten a picture of that moron's face as you were speaking in Japanese.

Anonymous said...

I have a remarkably similar story.

I live in the middle of nowhere in Atlantic Canada. Three years ago I went to visit and old university friend in Toronto and he just about snobbed me to death.

We went out for sushi (I'm a fan) and my friend was trying to impress someone and tried to ask if the tuna on the menu was sashimi-grade.

He pronounced it mashishi.


ReformingGeek said...

LOL. Konichi-wa (that's all I remember from my one trip to Tokyo). Folks proud of their accomplishments - not a problem. Stuck-up SOBs - big problem. Too bad I don't have your nerve! Have a cajun roll on me. Also, it's funny how when chopsticks are all that's available, you learn how to use them. Hum....I think I have an idea for a blog. Thx for that!

MeadowLark said...

Okinawa perhaps? We loved it there.

My entire town is made up of people who think they're special like that. Especially those who live on the "west side". MORONS. I get my jollies watching their $600k houses plummeting back down to $200k. HA HA HA a#$wipes. (Sorry. That sounded snarky, didn't it)

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I knew there was evil in you somewhere, deep deep down there... You're too funny not to have a little evil in ya.

Awesome post. I wish I could've seen that guy's face. And I love how you set him up with the whole chopstick-clumsiness and trying to decipher the menu. Woot Woot!

Chat Blanc said...

ah, sweet, sweet revenge! well done.

kathcom said...

That is the coolest thing I have ever heard! I would love to have seen that guy's face.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

This post has me giving imaginary high 5's and doing fist pumps.


AngieSS said...

First time here--I love it!

You handled that pompous ass perfectly. Nothing better than the sweet smell of a genuine "smack down". I hate snobs! :)

dana said...

Wine hurts when it comes shooting out of the nose but SO worth it for really giving it to this guy. I wish I would have seen the look on his face when you started speaking japanese. HA!!

dadthedude said...

Domo arigato,tomodachi san (thank you my friends).

@ deb - i was having way to much fun to take a picture! But that would have been great!

@ sinister - mashishi. too funny.

This brings up a good point. If anyone else would have said that - no problem...

@ geek - konichiwa tomodachi san. I couldn't agree more. BIG difference between being proud and being an ass.

@ meadowlark - you are so correct -Okinawa. Loved it there! Had a great time! Damn west-side snobs - ha.

@ tx-mama - I don't let the evil out of the barn too often. Takes me a long time... but it's there. Lurking.

@ chat - it was sweet. I still relish it.

@ kathcom - here, I'll do it. It was like this... ;) (sorry, I know you can't see that).

@ angie - back at ya!

@ angiess - welcome! dude, bring beer next time.

# dana - cracked me up with the wine. See my response to kathcom above. That is what it was like. The conversation was very light after that.

Many thanks ya'll!

Cherie said...

I would have loved to seen his face when you started ordering. HAHA talk about priceless. Did he have to pick his jaw off the table? HAHA I guess the "dumb Texan" wasn't as dumb as he thought ;-)

Traci Skene said...

This story would make a great short film. The subtitles would be priceless.

dadthedude said...

Do I get to pick who would play me in the short film version?

Don said...

Good for you Dude! I hate a self-absorbed asshole - not a regular asshole, but a self-absorbed one!

Chris said...

New to your blog - LOVED this post! I freaking hate people who are always trying to "one-up" you - and you put him in his place perfectly. I'm the daughter of a cranky old Marine, by the way - Semper Fi!!

Dad Stuff said...

Wow! That's great. I gotta learn me some Japanese.