Sunday, September 7, 2008

the time Jimmy cut off my arms

Jim Beam and I used to be bro's. We used to hang out together and see how far we could push each other. He usually won, but after a couple of weeks I'd forgive and forget (mainly forget) and invite him back over for another round.

That is until the day he cut off my arms.

Like how most "I cut off my arms" stories begin, it happened when I went to a bachelor party.

By all accounts this was a very tame bachelor’s party at the house of a friend near Lubbock, Texas, as I recall there were no strippers, donkeys, cheerleaders or blow-up dolls. There may have been all of the above, but that would have been after Jimmy and I left (aka: passed out).

We were drinking Jim Beam mixed with coke, until we realized that was slowing us down so we started drinking it straight, over ice. After a bit we realized pouring it into a glass was stupid because we could just drink it right from the bottle and have an extra hand free to give everyone high fives and put in the best damn drinking music available, that being David Allen Coe; you don't have to call me darlin'... darlin'. This is after all the national anthem of almost any party in Texas.

As the night progressed I slowly started to realize that the guy sitting in front of me had grown a twin who was now sitting right beside him wearing the same clothes. Whenever these guys (or guy) talked I had trouble trying to figure out which one to look at. I noticed by closing one eye, the twin would disappear and if I held my head to the side it was much better. I was certain nobody noticed the head tilt or drool.

Apparently, I may have exceeded the known limits of consumption because that is the last fuzzy memory I have of that night.

I woke up in a fog the next morning on a couch and start looking around the room when I realized I didn't have any arms. Let me repeat that, MY DAMN ARMS WERE GONE! SOMEONE HAD CUT OFF MY SON-OF-A-BITCH-N ARMS! I couldn't feel them. I couldn't move them. I couldn't see them. Crap! I laid there for a bit trying to recall the previous night and at what point my arms got cut off. Maybe one of the twins would know.

Now as anyone who wakes up on a couch with no arms knows, the logical thing is to attempt a full gainer off the couch onto the floor - tada. After I did a face plant on the floor I found my lifeless, completely useless and numb appendages hanging there where they were supposed to be all along. I had passed out with my arms up over and behind my head.

Jimmy Bean, you sir are the devils water.

I'm sticking with Tequila from now on. I'd like to introduce you to my new friend Jose. Jose, say a few words to the kind readers. "Helo, my name iz Jose. I hear to maka 'da dad-da-dude thinks he maybe ok when in truth he will be dancing nakid on 'da tables and how you say... 'dinking he superman. ok. I go now".

Next round on me.


dadthedude said...

Look at me. Now I'm commenting on my own post. Geek.

Is it me or is the voice of Jose the same voice as the puppet of the Jalepeno on a stick?

I should have read the label closer, it's on the label on the post...

Texan Mama @ WhoPutMeInCharge said...

Dude you're supposed to WAIT till we comment to put your own 2 cents in. Geesh. Newbie. (JK)

Totally funny. I have been drunk many a time but only blacked out once. I woke up and was all, "Who locked the door in here?" Yet I was the only one in there.

Texan Mama @ WhoPutMeInCharge said...

And I don't know of a jalapeno on a stick. Course I'm new to Texas.

Anonymous said...

Oh Oh, we've got a young'un here who doesnt' know of the Jalepeno-on-a-stick. Now I can't get him out of my mind and can't remember his name.Tequila is my drink of choice especially after I found PATRON tequila. In fact,I have dedicated an ENTIRE POST to PATRON. I think it's coming up Monday. Once you try PATRON, you'll kick Jose's ass to the curb.

dadthedude said...

TXmama - Im so just making a trend a commenting first on your own post. You watch, in a week everyone will be doing it. It's like going commando, it just feels like f.r.e.e.d.o.m.

Here is a link for Jose, the Jalepeno-on-a-stick. I SO recommend taking a look. LMAO funny!

Chat Blanc said...

hey, at least some more important appendages weren't "cut off". yeah, THAT would suck for you! ;)

be careful with Jose. he beat me up pretty bad one time in college. I held a grudge for many years. but I'm over it now.

dadthedude said...

dana - now I know why that made me think of him. Jalepeno-on-a-stick's name is Jose. Once you get that voice in your head... holy crap you are screwed.

I so love the silver Tequila. It's smoother, which like most things is always going to be better...

Can't wait to see the post... but confused about "think it's coming up monday...". what, do you have like a post schedule?

kathcom said...

Thank you. You brought back some memories and some gray-outs. The blackouts: they're never coming back. (I hope that's not what I see at the end of my life!)

I especially love the reasoning that got you from using mixers to drinking straight out of the bottle. If I could have thought up a more efficient delivery system for Mr. Beam, I would have.

I'm really glad you got your arms back. You might have been typing that with your tongue or have some Stephen Hawking-type dealie. I'm glad you're intact. Deformities are gross!

Sensei said...

That damn Jimmy is an evil, evil sort. You lost your arms. I woke up with a face covered in magic marker, next to a girl with a goatee. Who told me she loved me.

Twisted Lisa said...

I gave your Blog an Award!
Your Award!

ReformingGeek said...

Tequila is my liquid of choice, and beer, and wine.....anyway, hilarious post. Unfortunately, I've almost blacked out after one super-strong (I swear it was a TRIPLE) margarita. Me getting up from the table was the source of entertainment and no, I wasn't dancing naked on the table that time. ;-)

Just me said...

Love it!!! I have had my fair share of nights wondering what I was thinking having that one last drink! We had a night of straight Vodak of the bottle...pass the bottle.

Glad you and your new friend Jose are getting along. When are we going to have margarittas? WOOHOO!

Chelle B. said...

First of all, I loves me some tequila. Goes great with tacos..

Secondly, just be glad you didn't piss all over the couch and end up with no arms AND a broken nose. :)

This one cowboy I know, if you invite him to a party, you better be prepared to get a new couch.. ugh!!

dadthedude said...

--- I still have Jose, the Jalepeno-on-a-stick in me head. I ordered at Sonic as Jose. They didn't find it funny. Bastards.

Thanks for enjoying my mysery. It took an hour for me feel my arms again and ya'll are laughing at it.... ;)

@ Chat blanc - you win the award for commenting at the same I did. Your next drink is on me. As far as I know my "other" appendages have never been asleep. I slept on it wrong once and got a sprain. I'll never wrap it around my shoulder again!

@ kathcom - I think these are exactly what they will show on our final review. That would be my luck anyways... by the way, I can type with my tongue.

@ sensei - dude. TMI. Tell the truth, you stayed for a noon'r didn't you.

@ twisted lisa - HOLY CRAP. The only thing I ever won for writing anything was an invitation to summer school! Thanks.

@ reforming geek - come clean, you were dancing nakid on the table and the music was only in your head. Go Yoga something ;)

@ just me - wow, we have the same name! You just missed the 'ritas. We waited and waited till it was just me and I went ahead without you.

@ chelle b - hmmm. with tacos is something I've never tried. I have guaranteed bladder control. I know cowboys (cause I is one) and that aint no cowboy. Not saying we wont piss ourselves but never on a couch.

Kirsten said...

LMAO! You are one funny dad, dude! Thanks for the laugh. I can't wait to hear how Jose works out for you.

dana said...

Jose is not my friend either. Bad things happen when I hang out with Jose, Jim, or Jack. I hope you have regained use of your arms.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I'm gonna have to google this jalapeno on a stick thing. I have no idea what you are talking about.

I am just laughing at the faceplant off the couch onto the floor.


Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Jim B. I gave you an award on me humble little blog today. COme get it if you want it. You don't hurt my feelings if you don't, though. Just so you know.


ReformingGeek said...

Dude, taking my toys and going home ;-)

dadthedude said...

Thanks ya'll!

@ kirsten - you'll be the first I call to bail me out.

@ Dana - Jim, Jack and Jose are like those friends you have that you don't really like but once you start hanging out with them for a bit you make plans for the weekend together.

@ angie - thank you SO much for the award! Appreciated! Once I get some time (work...) I'll put it right up. The URL you want is

@ reforming geek - lol. I sold all your toys. Stay around!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Oh, no honey. Jose and me have a worse history. Photos were taken. I could dance with ol' Jimmy Beam but Jose completely disconnects that part of my brain that keeps me from heckling security forces. (I was out of the country at the time. The details are not important.) Jose does, however, make me wicked unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit. Apparently my random access memory lies just behind the aforementioned heckling.

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