Monday, October 20, 2008

top 5 things I'll burn in hell for - #1

It's now time for #1.

I watched 2 Cubans shit their uniforms.

As a young Marine I was selected for "Embassy Duty". I had visions of standing in dress blues in some exotic country and drinking beer with the locals on my off-time. Instead... I found myself in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - aka "Gitmo".

Gitmo in '84 was not a place where you wore dress blues and drank beer with the locals. Instead this meant a year of standing on the fence line, staying out on patrol and trying to find ways of breaking the boredom by jacking with the Cubans to see if they would engage (we tried to see if they would take a shot).

The fence line in Gitmo was a no-mans land, in some areas the distance between us was over 1/2 a mile and filled with the largest minefield in the world. In other areas they were close enough to shout at across the mines.

This particular day, I was standing post very close to the Cubans. Across the mines, in a tower much like mine, stood 2 Cuban regulars (my "mirrors"). As I watched both of them watching me, we started jacking with each other. This usually meant shooting the finger, keying down the mic on their frequency... anything to pass the time.

While watching them very closely through the "Big Eyes" (large binoculars)... with both hands behind my back... a shot went off.

WHAM

Both of them dropped and went out of sight in an instant. I'm still standing, watching their tower. After a few seconds I see one AK-47, then another, then a couple of heads... pretty soon I see them pointing at me. I returned this with a simple wave above the Big Eyes.

Within 5 minutes the scene in front of me contained what might have been half the Cuban army stationed in Gitmo.

After awhile they started to disperse and once again I found myself looking across the mines at the same 2 Cubans, now standing a little lower in their post, looking at me with everything they had. Hope they had a change of clothes on their post because I think they might have needed it by that point.

Guess it's a good thing they didn't have bottles on their head.

Temperature increase in hell for 2 Cubans crapping their utilities and coming close to starting an international incident - an additional 75K degrees and a suit made of phosphorus. Well, maybe just for the international incident part.

I'd love to hear something you might be held in the deep fryer for, share it in the comments!

They carry extra rounds over at HumorBloggers.com, take a trip and tell 'em I sent ya' but drop me some smiley love below first.

21 comments:

ettarose said...

Hey Dude, I can imagine how all these things made you feel. Lighten up sugar, we have all made huge mistakes. Take me for example. I have burned down the woods where I was illegally camping, and went to jail on federal kidnapping charges. Now, who do you think should burn along side you?

Deb said...

I'm more worried about Ettarose than you. It's good to shake things up once in a while. The Cubans earned their rice and bananas that day.

Sorry, but my evil doings will go with me to the grave.

Heinous said...

Those Cubans needed something to wake them up anyway. God pays no attention to Cuba, so you should be off the hook there.

dadthedude said...

Ettarose - you bring the ice, I'll bring the beer. wow, I'm speechless now although you called me sugar so you'll only spend a few minutes in the deep fryer.

deb - how did you know they had rice and bananas? dude... where were you in 84-85?

heinous - i so hope your right cause I'm leaving a bunch of crap from there in the foot locker where it belongs. The movie A Few Good Men was loosly based on actual events.

Bill said...

Couldn't begin to top that, Dude! Ettarose, I knew there was something about you I liked! lol

Rocky said...

So who fired the shot? Or was that just you snapping a kitten's skull under your infantry boot amplified with a bull horn. Your a bad bad dude dad the dude.

PlancksPost said...

Rocky...that's awesome!

Given what I have heard I have a feeling he is still repressing the worst of what he has done and compared to that these are silly.

dadthedude said...

@bill - you sure about that?

@rocky - fence line shootings were like most serious and the statute of limitations may not apply. You aren't suggesting I fired a shot at those poor Cubans.. are you?

@plancksPost - no comment.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So, if you didn't fire the shot, what are you burning in hell for? Waving?

I'm totally stumbling this!

ReformingGeek said...

Good job on this series, dude.

Hum....I think there are a few details missing here....like the huge dictionary or encyclopedia (or the binder of girlie mags) that you or your buddy dropped next to the microphone...OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T FIRE YOUR WEAPON!

I'm assuming the "Big Eyes" were mounted.

A Few Good Men......CODE RED.....I knew there's a reason I didn't join the Marines. ;-) That would be junior high to a most horrible level.

Slight resemblance in that picture...

ReformingGeek said...

Oh yeah. BTW, I love Cuban food, not just the rice and bananas.

AngieSS said...

I just love this series. I have way to many reasons for why I'm going to Hell. Looks like I will be in good company though!


You've been tagged at my place. I would be ever so delighted if you would come check it out!

Chat Blanc said...

You hide your evilness well. ;)

dadthedude said...

@nannygoats - yep

@reformingGeek - thanks. How did you know the big eyes were mounted? Next time I see you I'll tell you a story related to AFGM...
Yea, thats me. Cameras weren't allowed on the line so I have no idea how that picture was taken.

@angiess - thanks. I'll save you a seat. I'm going over to check it out!

@chat - ha, hiding right here in public.

RRsis said...

OK you asked us to share our "deep fryers"..none of mine compare to yours of course...but here I go.

when I was 16, I got to take my mom's new car to cross country practice at the park (we ran in a large green belt park) and as I was leaving I backed up right into a car that was parked! I get out... panic..there is a big DEEP scratch on the back of bumper.. SHIT!! The car I hit was a junker and left no mark on it..so I left. Having a nervous breakdown over the for sure beating and never being allowed behind a wheel again...I began to reherse what I would say or better yet NOT say! I parked the car at home and said NOTHING!
A week later my dad was washing her car and saw it. He was pissed! He asked me to come here and look at it and if I knew where it came from...of course I looked shocked and said "NO I have never seen it before" (I was a horrible liar as a kid, but man I was playing this one good!) Then my dad said "Damn it your mom must have backed into something again" My mom said she didn't remember bumping anything, but she it could have or it could of happened at work. So I was off the hook!! NO ONE EVER FOUND OUT!!! Still today, I have not confessed to my mom or dad on that one hahaha!! I just let MOM take the blame! :-)

ettarose said...

I will post about the jail time sometime, maybe. Charges were dropped but it cost me $10 grand. Oh I was on amber alert too.

GeneratedMadness said...

Great story. This all reminds me of the scene in the awful movie Bad Boys 2 where Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are standing in that mine field outside the base with the military men getting anxious pointing guns at them.

For the record, I think you're all right with the man upstairs.

Dan Brantley said...

And I thought throwing dog crap over the fence onto Pipeline Road was bad. I'm not worthy.
Great stuff.

dadthedude said...

@rrsis - hell, you just ~think~ they don't know. I'm going to add a new one to my list... what's their number?

@ettarose - what up girl? That was you I saw on the digital roadsign?

@generated madness - wow, you can now add watching that movie to your list of crap you will spend time in the deep fryer for.

@dan - dude. there is a pipeline road near my house.... and the other day.... pay no attention to that red laser dot on your forehead.

richard said...

Dude,

I have a couple photo's that I have no idea where they came from! We did "Op Test" the encrypted cell phone several times when I was on subs and got busted. The only thing that saved us was the entire ward room "tested" it as well.

dadthedude said...

@ richard - dude, thats great! maybe I should post about the time our entire platoon was arrested by shore patrol for "gang related violence". Not our fault, we had a good reason for throwing those smoke grenades and fighting with that group of reserve Marines... even if we were all wearing the same thing and they pucked yellow smoke residue.