Sunday, October 19, 2008

top 5 things I'll burn in hell for - #2

Next in the top 5 things I'll burn in hell for... I now come clean on #2:

I burnt down a neighborhood.

As I mentioned in #4 of the things I'll burn in hell for, I lived in South Africa when I was a kid. Apparently living south of the equator doesn't agree with me since #2 also occurred where the water goes backwards when you flush. Maybe it was Apartheid, maybe it was the Zulu's, or the gold mines or the people who clicked when they talked.

Nope, I think it simply rests on the shoulders of a tow-headed kid who had to change his name because his real name meant "girl" in Afrikaans (true).

When I was about 8 I had a fascination with fire, once while trying to burn a pencil I used the couch to hold the pencil so I wouldn't burn my fingers. This resulted in burning up the couch as well - but that's a different story.

I had recently learned how to light a match by pressing it against the matchbox and flicking it, creating a burning flare that shot out like 10 feet. Dude, I was cool.

We had a huge field across from our house, on the day in question I was practicing my new found skill while walking down a path in this huge, dry field.

I walked maybe 200 feet in, flicking matches into the air when I heard an odd whooshing noise behind me. Turning around to make sure it wasn't the Zulu's attacking I saw something that looked much like the picture above roaring up the path towards me. Son-of-a-bitch! If I knew that word when I was 8 I would have used it at that moment as I sprinted towards the far end of the field.

I exited the other end of the field into a neighborhood now filling with people coming out of their houses. Thankfully their attention was fixed on the growing wildfire coming towards them and they didn't notice the scared-to-hell little tow-headed kid sprinting away like his ass was on fire.

I ran until I couldn't see the fire any longer, only the huge billowing smoke rising above the neighborhood and the fire engines racing past me in the other direction.

Thoughts of spending the rest of my life in a South African prison filled my head. Maybe they would put me in a cell next to Nelson Mandela and we could pass notes back and forth and tap on the walls to keep each other going. Well, maybe not.

Amazingly, after spending hours walking in a daze until the smoke died down I returned home to face my public flogging and NOBODY realized I was the arsonist. Turns out I didn't actually burn down any houses, but the field was burnt the hell up and I think astronauts could see it from space.

Temperature for burning down a neighborhood (well almost) - an additional 50K degrees and a backpack full of fertilizer and diesel fuel.

Tomorrow's top 5: the all important #1 - the time I almost caused a war with Cuba.

They don't play with matches over at HumorBloggers.com but their still pretty hot, check 'em out.


54 comments:

ReformingGeek said...

That's pretty funny. When I was 8, we had to do a project in school about the consequences of playing with matches. I think my slogan won a prize (probably a piece of candy or something) I guess you missed that lesson ;-)

I think I set the grass on fire the one and only time I tried to smoke a cigarette. My BFF and I stomped it out real fast.

PlancksPost said...

Dude, as an attorney,...ok, as someone that has read a lot of law books,...alright, as someone that's watched a lot of law shows on TV I'd recommend checking with a JAG officer before posting your next blog! Not sure if there is a statute of limitations for nearly starting a war.

Deb said...

Dude-The Fire Starter - has a nice ring to it.

Your age is what will save you from eternal damnation. Oh, you'll be damned, just not eternally (for this particular incident).

dadthedude said...

reforming geek - damn, I knew I missed something important... but at least I wasn't smoking at the time.

planckspost - ha, i thought the same thing. They would have to be pretty bored to investigate something almost 25 years old. Plus, It seems I forgot all the significant details.

Deb - when I started this series I had a couple things in mind that I didn't post afterall since I took an oath saying I'd keep my mouth shut... these + the others will ensure I'm left in the deep fryer till I'm crispy.

Bill said...

That innocent looking face of yours hides a lot, doesn't it?!

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